yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
