I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
