Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
