I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
