im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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