U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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