Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
