Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
