i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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