I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
