We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
