You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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