kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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