yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
