i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
