Just fell off a train. Bad.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
