I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
