Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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