I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Girls should come with a carfax report
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
