Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
