Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
