There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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