I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You were trust falling into bushes
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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