I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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