God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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