dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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