where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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