I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
