I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
