i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
