Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
