I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
