I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
