I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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