i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Someone signed my nipple.
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