If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize