So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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