wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
