I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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