I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
