I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
