i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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