I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
