Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
