So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
