mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
