call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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