I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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