I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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