I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
