my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
What a dumb baby whore.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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