What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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