Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm passing your future prison.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Randomize
