wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
