was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
